It’s all about feelings. The way you behave, the way you express yourself, the way you live. Each feeling has a signification, a story behind it.
It’s that time where I get the feeling of ‘nothing’. I do not feel pleasure, nor life enjoyment. I do not like anything neither dislike. I am at that point of not knowing what I’m doing or can’t even have a straight thought and focus on it.
Hardest part in that feeling is the fact that I do not feel love anymore; for my family, friends and anyone that I deeply love. I do love them, but the love feeling is gone. I do not feel any emotions except the ‘sad’ ones.
I feel lonely, without a purpose, sad, depressed, physically and mentally tired. I do not have anymore goal, I do not feel like I’m doing something. My life, right now, is purely “what’s going on?”.
I do not know what I want to do, now and later. I cannot find motivation. What’s going on? I do not know. I do not know how I exactly feel or what is happening in my head.
I should probably go back in my previous thoughts, feelings and life experiences. Analyse every single thing that happened in the past even though they’re mostly negative.
A really hard and painful childhood. A loss of consciousness for a few years – bad behaving, leaving education, not doing anything, losing the person you love.
So much to look back into. So much negative and hard feelings. Going back to them probably won’t help. It’s time to start something new, use this loss to create a new track towards something beautiful, attractive and interesting. A track towards happiness.
It’s always good to listen to others. Especially friends or family. I personally do take their words seriously, but like everyone could say; it’s easy to say and listen, but it’s hard to act.
Sitting in a British pub, near Big Ben. Watching the clock, time passing by, listening to music. Thinking. Thinking, thinking.
I am completely attentive to my thoughts. Which leads me to write all this, to understand what I’m writing, to read it over and over again to understand my situation, my mind, my feelings.
From time to time, I’m starting to feel the wind again, to see the beauty of life, my smile is coming back slowly, more positive thoughts, less physically tired.
It’s time to set a goal, go at the end of that goal. Whatever comes through – “let it come, let it go.”
However, writing is helping more than anything else.